This is taken from a letter I recently wrote to my "spiritual parents" as a way of reuniting with them. It is a summary of a particularly dark and extremely painful time in my life. It is completely honest and heartfelt.
For the better part of 2 years, the beginning of 2005 through most of 2007, I was backslidden off and on.
My parents died rather close together in late 2003(stepfather) and early 2004(mother). I was reeling emotionally from this for quite some time. I was not spiritually prepared for the impact this would have on my life. I had never experienced the death of a close loved one before. To have both of them die so close together was unimaginable to me. And yet it happened. It happened to me.
Up until the time of their deaths, my spiritual life was very poor for the majority of the time. I struggled a lot with sin and an almost constant feeling of condemnation. I was backslidden a lot of the time too. I was in essence, trying to “earn” my salvation. I was building on the wrong foundations. I kept failing God over and over and over. And I thought my standing before Him in terms of salvation somehow depended upon me and what I did or didn’t do. To the point that I often felt hopeless and would think, “What’s the point of all of this?” So because of this my walk with God suffered greatly on my part. God of course is ALWAYS FAITHFUL to us. No matter what we do. And He certainly was and continues to be to me.
When my parents died, I just simply gave up on my walk with God. I was overwhelmed with emotions from the fallout of their deaths. I was very angry at God for taking them both. I was angry at my mother for being a drug addict (she died of what i believe was an accidental overdose) and never being a good mother to me. I was angry at my stepfather for having been violent at times and treating my mother and sometimes us kids so badly. I also confused about how God was merciful to my mother when she died the way she did and lived such a bad life on earth. This was part of my anger towards Him. I was hurting and I felt I had nobody to turn to. My siblings and I were not close at that time. Plus all of us were dealing with our own pain from them dying and couldn’t really help each other. I felt very alone.
Looking back on it now I do realize how foolish this all was. This was the one time in my life I should have really turned to God and I didn’t. Instead I went into the world and into sin. I was trying to bury my pain and forget it and because I was angry at God I wanted nothing to do with Him.
Last November, God called me back to Himself and that time I listened by His grace alone. I was tired. I was tired of myself and the emptiness I felt inside. I was sick of sin and the self hatred that had resulted from being in the world and in sin all the time. I knew my pain was still there. But I no longer cared. I wanted to be free from sin again.
I was living “in sin” with a man for the majority of this time of backsliding. That night in early November 2007 I told him everything. How I was feeling at that moment, about my sin and backsliding, and about my life with God before my parents died. I was prepared to leave him if I needed to so I could start over with God. (Please understand that during this time my mind and emotions were still a big mess. It has taken many months for me to heal and I am still in the process of healing.) I asked him if he wanted to follow God. He said “yes” much to my surprise. As a result of that and many other conversations, we decided to get married and did so on December 14, 2007.
(The BAD) Now I know what you must be thinking. And of course you are right; this man wasn’t God’s perfect will for me as a mate. I am now very well aware of that fact. But at that time I was extremely vulnerable and confused. Not to say he coerced me into anything. I made the choice to marry him and I did it without praying about it. We did rush into it. My mind was not clear. I call it “sin sickness”. Having been backslidden for so long I thought this was the only way to start to make things right with God. We discussed the fact that we were forcing God’s Hand. Looking back it might have been wiser to leave him. But now I can’t imagine being without him or being married to anyone else. I truly love him and I truly believe that love comes from God.
If this sounds confusing it still is for me too. Because I really love my husband now and we have a good marriage starting off these first 8 or so months. No, he isn’t where I am spiritually. But he is saved, Praise the Lord. He is very open to God and spiritual things. He has even expressed a desire to someday preach God’s truth. He definitely has the seeds of passion for it. He does have much growing spiritually to do. In that sense, we are “unequally yoked”. Believe me; I am very well aware of all of this now. And I realize I could have saved myself needless suffering had I not married him. (Because of the unequal yoking) I am still kind of confused about this as I have said. I realize I may get some flack about the whole "unequal yoking" thing. But I assure you God is doing work in my husband. Read My Loving Husband's Letter To Me in this blog
(The GOOD) God has forgiven us and has been blessing us ever since we got married. I really felt when we were saying our vows that God said in my spirit, “This is right!!” In His unexplainable sovereignty He knew who I would marry. It’s kind of like; yes I married the “wrong person” but what’s done is done so let’s make the best of the situation. And God will raise my husband up to be the man He wants me to have. I truly believe God’s promise for this.
In conclusion, there was great potential for disaster with us getting married the way we did. But thankfully that has not been the case. God has been unbelievably merciful. I can truly see us being together for life. And that’s not the “honeymoon bliss” talking. I am very grounded and realistic about my marriage. I would not say it if I didn’t believe it was true. I guess I just have to accept the BAD with the GOOD. Thankfully, the GOOD far outweighs the BAD. (See how I did that? LOL laugh out loud)
My husband’s name is Frankie Knapp. He actually has lot of the good character traits my stepfather had and none of the bad ones. He is a good man. He genuinely loves me with all his heart. He treats me very well and is very kind to me. He is not even remotely abusive. He doesn’t drink or gamble or run around with other women. He takes his marriage vows seriously. He is a good provider. He is honest and trustworthy. He respects and loves me above all others. And his faith at times is stronger than mine which has been most surprising to me.
He does smoke cigarettes unfortunately. But I believe he will quit one of these days. I believe God for this. And he does have a bad temper. But then so do I. It’s something we have agreed to work on together BEFORE we have children. Overcoming our tempers with God’s grace and not bringing children into a volatile environment, that is.
He does lack spiritual knowledge. But I believe that the Lord will raise him up to be a good and Godly man. His heart is not hardened to God’s truth as I said earlier in this letter. He is open to it. I know I cannot be the one to teach him. So I am praying that the Lord will put a Godly man in his life to be his mentor.
Let me just say, I do love my husband with all my heart. I feel blessed having him as my mate in spite of how things started with us. I realize God has been extremely merciful to us in many ways. My husband is my best friend on Earth. He has my heart for the life of our marriage. And I am fully secure that I have his as well.
This excerpt I hope will illustrate the weakness of man and the great amazing GRACE of God.
For the better part of 2 years, the beginning of 2005 through most of 2007, I was backslidden off and on.
My parents died rather close together in late 2003(stepfather) and early 2004(mother). I was reeling emotionally from this for quite some time. I was not spiritually prepared for the impact this would have on my life. I had never experienced the death of a close loved one before. To have both of them die so close together was unimaginable to me. And yet it happened. It happened to me.
Up until the time of their deaths, my spiritual life was very poor for the majority of the time. I struggled a lot with sin and an almost constant feeling of condemnation. I was backslidden a lot of the time too. I was in essence, trying to “earn” my salvation. I was building on the wrong foundations. I kept failing God over and over and over. And I thought my standing before Him in terms of salvation somehow depended upon me and what I did or didn’t do. To the point that I often felt hopeless and would think, “What’s the point of all of this?” So because of this my walk with God suffered greatly on my part. God of course is ALWAYS FAITHFUL to us. No matter what we do. And He certainly was and continues to be to me.
When my parents died, I just simply gave up on my walk with God. I was overwhelmed with emotions from the fallout of their deaths. I was very angry at God for taking them both. I was angry at my mother for being a drug addict (she died of what i believe was an accidental overdose) and never being a good mother to me. I was angry at my stepfather for having been violent at times and treating my mother and sometimes us kids so badly. I also confused about how God was merciful to my mother when she died the way she did and lived such a bad life on earth. This was part of my anger towards Him. I was hurting and I felt I had nobody to turn to. My siblings and I were not close at that time. Plus all of us were dealing with our own pain from them dying and couldn’t really help each other. I felt very alone.
Looking back on it now I do realize how foolish this all was. This was the one time in my life I should have really turned to God and I didn’t. Instead I went into the world and into sin. I was trying to bury my pain and forget it and because I was angry at God I wanted nothing to do with Him.
Last November, God called me back to Himself and that time I listened by His grace alone. I was tired. I was tired of myself and the emptiness I felt inside. I was sick of sin and the self hatred that had resulted from being in the world and in sin all the time. I knew my pain was still there. But I no longer cared. I wanted to be free from sin again.
I was living “in sin” with a man for the majority of this time of backsliding. That night in early November 2007 I told him everything. How I was feeling at that moment, about my sin and backsliding, and about my life with God before my parents died. I was prepared to leave him if I needed to so I could start over with God. (Please understand that during this time my mind and emotions were still a big mess. It has taken many months for me to heal and I am still in the process of healing.) I asked him if he wanted to follow God. He said “yes” much to my surprise. As a result of that and many other conversations, we decided to get married and did so on December 14, 2007.
(The BAD) Now I know what you must be thinking. And of course you are right; this man wasn’t God’s perfect will for me as a mate. I am now very well aware of that fact. But at that time I was extremely vulnerable and confused. Not to say he coerced me into anything. I made the choice to marry him and I did it without praying about it. We did rush into it. My mind was not clear. I call it “sin sickness”. Having been backslidden for so long I thought this was the only way to start to make things right with God. We discussed the fact that we were forcing God’s Hand. Looking back it might have been wiser to leave him. But now I can’t imagine being without him or being married to anyone else. I truly love him and I truly believe that love comes from God.
If this sounds confusing it still is for me too. Because I really love my husband now and we have a good marriage starting off these first 8 or so months. No, he isn’t where I am spiritually. But he is saved, Praise the Lord. He is very open to God and spiritual things. He has even expressed a desire to someday preach God’s truth. He definitely has the seeds of passion for it. He does have much growing spiritually to do. In that sense, we are “unequally yoked”. Believe me; I am very well aware of all of this now. And I realize I could have saved myself needless suffering had I not married him. (Because of the unequal yoking) I am still kind of confused about this as I have said. I realize I may get some flack about the whole "unequal yoking" thing. But I assure you God is doing work in my husband. Read My Loving Husband's Letter To Me in this blog
(The GOOD) God has forgiven us and has been blessing us ever since we got married. I really felt when we were saying our vows that God said in my spirit, “This is right!!” In His unexplainable sovereignty He knew who I would marry. It’s kind of like; yes I married the “wrong person” but what’s done is done so let’s make the best of the situation. And God will raise my husband up to be the man He wants me to have. I truly believe God’s promise for this.
In conclusion, there was great potential for disaster with us getting married the way we did. But thankfully that has not been the case. God has been unbelievably merciful. I can truly see us being together for life. And that’s not the “honeymoon bliss” talking. I am very grounded and realistic about my marriage. I would not say it if I didn’t believe it was true. I guess I just have to accept the BAD with the GOOD. Thankfully, the GOOD far outweighs the BAD. (See how I did that? LOL laugh out loud)
My husband’s name is Frankie Knapp. He actually has lot of the good character traits my stepfather had and none of the bad ones. He is a good man. He genuinely loves me with all his heart. He treats me very well and is very kind to me. He is not even remotely abusive. He doesn’t drink or gamble or run around with other women. He takes his marriage vows seriously. He is a good provider. He is honest and trustworthy. He respects and loves me above all others. And his faith at times is stronger than mine which has been most surprising to me.
He does smoke cigarettes unfortunately. But I believe he will quit one of these days. I believe God for this. And he does have a bad temper. But then so do I. It’s something we have agreed to work on together BEFORE we have children. Overcoming our tempers with God’s grace and not bringing children into a volatile environment, that is.
He does lack spiritual knowledge. But I believe that the Lord will raise him up to be a good and Godly man. His heart is not hardened to God’s truth as I said earlier in this letter. He is open to it. I know I cannot be the one to teach him. So I am praying that the Lord will put a Godly man in his life to be his mentor.
Let me just say, I do love my husband with all my heart. I feel blessed having him as my mate in spite of how things started with us. I realize God has been extremely merciful to us in many ways. My husband is my best friend on Earth. He has my heart for the life of our marriage. And I am fully secure that I have his as well.
This excerpt I hope will illustrate the weakness of man and the great amazing GRACE of God.
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