Romans 8:28 says: And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.
I have probably read this verse well over 100 times in my 13 years of walking with God. And I have to some degree seen it demonstrated in my life. Its definitely on my "favorite verses" list. But lastnight, it came alive to me in way that was totally unexpected and delightful.
I have been going through a healing process for about the last 9 months. Healing from losing my parents 4 or so years ago and from the backsliding I recently came out of. I wasn't even aware the affect all of this was still having on me. Until one of my dearest friends brought this verse to me. I was relating to my friend the struggle I have been having with how my husband and I started our relationship. Part of me was still ashamed about this. I couldn't understand how God could be blessing us so much when we started out the way we did.
When he(my friend) read this verse to me he said, "This verse is your life". And then God really showed me my life is this verse! How God has taken this thing we made a big mess of and turned it into something glorious! In these moments I was TRULY HEALED!! It was like God just reached down to me and took this burden of pain off me and said, "You are healed." It was a release for me like I haven't known in a very long time. Glory Be To God.
It doesn't matter how you start something as much as it matters how you continue it. God has made it right. He has turned into something for HIS GLORY. He expects you to be a good steward of this thing, whatever it may be, that He has entrusted you with. For all things belong to Him and were created by Him. Thank You, Lord for this wonderful revelation!!
Monday, August 25, 2008
Saturday, August 23, 2008
A Summary Of Failure And Triumph
This is taken from a letter I recently wrote to my "spiritual parents" as a way of reuniting with them. It is a summary of a particularly dark and extremely painful time in my life. It is completely honest and heartfelt.
For the better part of 2 years, the beginning of 2005 through most of 2007, I was backslidden off and on.
My parents died rather close together in late 2003(stepfather) and early 2004(mother). I was reeling emotionally from this for quite some time. I was not spiritually prepared for the impact this would have on my life. I had never experienced the death of a close loved one before. To have both of them die so close together was unimaginable to me. And yet it happened. It happened to me.
Up until the time of their deaths, my spiritual life was very poor for the majority of the time. I struggled a lot with sin and an almost constant feeling of condemnation. I was backslidden a lot of the time too. I was in essence, trying to “earn” my salvation. I was building on the wrong foundations. I kept failing God over and over and over. And I thought my standing before Him in terms of salvation somehow depended upon me and what I did or didn’t do. To the point that I often felt hopeless and would think, “What’s the point of all of this?” So because of this my walk with God suffered greatly on my part. God of course is ALWAYS FAITHFUL to us. No matter what we do. And He certainly was and continues to be to me.
When my parents died, I just simply gave up on my walk with God. I was overwhelmed with emotions from the fallout of their deaths. I was very angry at God for taking them both. I was angry at my mother for being a drug addict (she died of what i believe was an accidental overdose) and never being a good mother to me. I was angry at my stepfather for having been violent at times and treating my mother and sometimes us kids so badly. I also confused about how God was merciful to my mother when she died the way she did and lived such a bad life on earth. This was part of my anger towards Him. I was hurting and I felt I had nobody to turn to. My siblings and I were not close at that time. Plus all of us were dealing with our own pain from them dying and couldn’t really help each other. I felt very alone.
Looking back on it now I do realize how foolish this all was. This was the one time in my life I should have really turned to God and I didn’t. Instead I went into the world and into sin. I was trying to bury my pain and forget it and because I was angry at God I wanted nothing to do with Him.
Last November, God called me back to Himself and that time I listened by His grace alone. I was tired. I was tired of myself and the emptiness I felt inside. I was sick of sin and the self hatred that had resulted from being in the world and in sin all the time. I knew my pain was still there. But I no longer cared. I wanted to be free from sin again.
I was living “in sin” with a man for the majority of this time of backsliding. That night in early November 2007 I told him everything. How I was feeling at that moment, about my sin and backsliding, and about my life with God before my parents died. I was prepared to leave him if I needed to so I could start over with God. (Please understand that during this time my mind and emotions were still a big mess. It has taken many months for me to heal and I am still in the process of healing.) I asked him if he wanted to follow God. He said “yes” much to my surprise. As a result of that and many other conversations, we decided to get married and did so on December 14, 2007.
(The BAD) Now I know what you must be thinking. And of course you are right; this man wasn’t God’s perfect will for me as a mate. I am now very well aware of that fact. But at that time I was extremely vulnerable and confused. Not to say he coerced me into anything. I made the choice to marry him and I did it without praying about it. We did rush into it. My mind was not clear. I call it “sin sickness”. Having been backslidden for so long I thought this was the only way to start to make things right with God. We discussed the fact that we were forcing God’s Hand. Looking back it might have been wiser to leave him. But now I can’t imagine being without him or being married to anyone else. I truly love him and I truly believe that love comes from God.
If this sounds confusing it still is for me too. Because I really love my husband now and we have a good marriage starting off these first 8 or so months. No, he isn’t where I am spiritually. But he is saved, Praise the Lord. He is very open to God and spiritual things. He has even expressed a desire to someday preach God’s truth. He definitely has the seeds of passion for it. He does have much growing spiritually to do. In that sense, we are “unequally yoked”. Believe me; I am very well aware of all of this now. And I realize I could have saved myself needless suffering had I not married him. (Because of the unequal yoking) I am still kind of confused about this as I have said. I realize I may get some flack about the whole "unequal yoking" thing. But I assure you God is doing work in my husband. Read My Loving Husband's Letter To Me in this blog
(The GOOD) God has forgiven us and has been blessing us ever since we got married. I really felt when we were saying our vows that God said in my spirit, “This is right!!” In His unexplainable sovereignty He knew who I would marry. It’s kind of like; yes I married the “wrong person” but what’s done is done so let’s make the best of the situation. And God will raise my husband up to be the man He wants me to have. I truly believe God’s promise for this.
In conclusion, there was great potential for disaster with us getting married the way we did. But thankfully that has not been the case. God has been unbelievably merciful. I can truly see us being together for life. And that’s not the “honeymoon bliss” talking. I am very grounded and realistic about my marriage. I would not say it if I didn’t believe it was true. I guess I just have to accept the BAD with the GOOD. Thankfully, the GOOD far outweighs the BAD. (See how I did that? LOL laugh out loud)
My husband’s name is Frankie Knapp. He actually has lot of the good character traits my stepfather had and none of the bad ones. He is a good man. He genuinely loves me with all his heart. He treats me very well and is very kind to me. He is not even remotely abusive. He doesn’t drink or gamble or run around with other women. He takes his marriage vows seriously. He is a good provider. He is honest and trustworthy. He respects and loves me above all others. And his faith at times is stronger than mine which has been most surprising to me.
He does smoke cigarettes unfortunately. But I believe he will quit one of these days. I believe God for this. And he does have a bad temper. But then so do I. It’s something we have agreed to work on together BEFORE we have children. Overcoming our tempers with God’s grace and not bringing children into a volatile environment, that is.
He does lack spiritual knowledge. But I believe that the Lord will raise him up to be a good and Godly man. His heart is not hardened to God’s truth as I said earlier in this letter. He is open to it. I know I cannot be the one to teach him. So I am praying that the Lord will put a Godly man in his life to be his mentor.
Let me just say, I do love my husband with all my heart. I feel blessed having him as my mate in spite of how things started with us. I realize God has been extremely merciful to us in many ways. My husband is my best friend on Earth. He has my heart for the life of our marriage. And I am fully secure that I have his as well.
This excerpt I hope will illustrate the weakness of man and the great amazing GRACE of God.
For the better part of 2 years, the beginning of 2005 through most of 2007, I was backslidden off and on.
My parents died rather close together in late 2003(stepfather) and early 2004(mother). I was reeling emotionally from this for quite some time. I was not spiritually prepared for the impact this would have on my life. I had never experienced the death of a close loved one before. To have both of them die so close together was unimaginable to me. And yet it happened. It happened to me.
Up until the time of their deaths, my spiritual life was very poor for the majority of the time. I struggled a lot with sin and an almost constant feeling of condemnation. I was backslidden a lot of the time too. I was in essence, trying to “earn” my salvation. I was building on the wrong foundations. I kept failing God over and over and over. And I thought my standing before Him in terms of salvation somehow depended upon me and what I did or didn’t do. To the point that I often felt hopeless and would think, “What’s the point of all of this?” So because of this my walk with God suffered greatly on my part. God of course is ALWAYS FAITHFUL to us. No matter what we do. And He certainly was and continues to be to me.
When my parents died, I just simply gave up on my walk with God. I was overwhelmed with emotions from the fallout of their deaths. I was very angry at God for taking them both. I was angry at my mother for being a drug addict (she died of what i believe was an accidental overdose) and never being a good mother to me. I was angry at my stepfather for having been violent at times and treating my mother and sometimes us kids so badly. I also confused about how God was merciful to my mother when she died the way she did and lived such a bad life on earth. This was part of my anger towards Him. I was hurting and I felt I had nobody to turn to. My siblings and I were not close at that time. Plus all of us were dealing with our own pain from them dying and couldn’t really help each other. I felt very alone.
Looking back on it now I do realize how foolish this all was. This was the one time in my life I should have really turned to God and I didn’t. Instead I went into the world and into sin. I was trying to bury my pain and forget it and because I was angry at God I wanted nothing to do with Him.
Last November, God called me back to Himself and that time I listened by His grace alone. I was tired. I was tired of myself and the emptiness I felt inside. I was sick of sin and the self hatred that had resulted from being in the world and in sin all the time. I knew my pain was still there. But I no longer cared. I wanted to be free from sin again.
I was living “in sin” with a man for the majority of this time of backsliding. That night in early November 2007 I told him everything. How I was feeling at that moment, about my sin and backsliding, and about my life with God before my parents died. I was prepared to leave him if I needed to so I could start over with God. (Please understand that during this time my mind and emotions were still a big mess. It has taken many months for me to heal and I am still in the process of healing.) I asked him if he wanted to follow God. He said “yes” much to my surprise. As a result of that and many other conversations, we decided to get married and did so on December 14, 2007.
(The BAD) Now I know what you must be thinking. And of course you are right; this man wasn’t God’s perfect will for me as a mate. I am now very well aware of that fact. But at that time I was extremely vulnerable and confused. Not to say he coerced me into anything. I made the choice to marry him and I did it without praying about it. We did rush into it. My mind was not clear. I call it “sin sickness”. Having been backslidden for so long I thought this was the only way to start to make things right with God. We discussed the fact that we were forcing God’s Hand. Looking back it might have been wiser to leave him. But now I can’t imagine being without him or being married to anyone else. I truly love him and I truly believe that love comes from God.
If this sounds confusing it still is for me too. Because I really love my husband now and we have a good marriage starting off these first 8 or so months. No, he isn’t where I am spiritually. But he is saved, Praise the Lord. He is very open to God and spiritual things. He has even expressed a desire to someday preach God’s truth. He definitely has the seeds of passion for it. He does have much growing spiritually to do. In that sense, we are “unequally yoked”. Believe me; I am very well aware of all of this now. And I realize I could have saved myself needless suffering had I not married him. (Because of the unequal yoking) I am still kind of confused about this as I have said. I realize I may get some flack about the whole "unequal yoking" thing. But I assure you God is doing work in my husband. Read My Loving Husband's Letter To Me in this blog
(The GOOD) God has forgiven us and has been blessing us ever since we got married. I really felt when we were saying our vows that God said in my spirit, “This is right!!” In His unexplainable sovereignty He knew who I would marry. It’s kind of like; yes I married the “wrong person” but what’s done is done so let’s make the best of the situation. And God will raise my husband up to be the man He wants me to have. I truly believe God’s promise for this.
In conclusion, there was great potential for disaster with us getting married the way we did. But thankfully that has not been the case. God has been unbelievably merciful. I can truly see us being together for life. And that’s not the “honeymoon bliss” talking. I am very grounded and realistic about my marriage. I would not say it if I didn’t believe it was true. I guess I just have to accept the BAD with the GOOD. Thankfully, the GOOD far outweighs the BAD. (See how I did that? LOL laugh out loud)
My husband’s name is Frankie Knapp. He actually has lot of the good character traits my stepfather had and none of the bad ones. He is a good man. He genuinely loves me with all his heart. He treats me very well and is very kind to me. He is not even remotely abusive. He doesn’t drink or gamble or run around with other women. He takes his marriage vows seriously. He is a good provider. He is honest and trustworthy. He respects and loves me above all others. And his faith at times is stronger than mine which has been most surprising to me.
He does smoke cigarettes unfortunately. But I believe he will quit one of these days. I believe God for this. And he does have a bad temper. But then so do I. It’s something we have agreed to work on together BEFORE we have children. Overcoming our tempers with God’s grace and not bringing children into a volatile environment, that is.
He does lack spiritual knowledge. But I believe that the Lord will raise him up to be a good and Godly man. His heart is not hardened to God’s truth as I said earlier in this letter. He is open to it. I know I cannot be the one to teach him. So I am praying that the Lord will put a Godly man in his life to be his mentor.
Let me just say, I do love my husband with all my heart. I feel blessed having him as my mate in spite of how things started with us. I realize God has been extremely merciful to us in many ways. My husband is my best friend on Earth. He has my heart for the life of our marriage. And I am fully secure that I have his as well.
This excerpt I hope will illustrate the weakness of man and the great amazing GRACE of God.
Facing The Giants and the Big Question
Facing The Giants is a christian based movie. It is an excellent film. It has a football theme to it. But even if you aren't a big fan of football you will probably still love this movie if you are a Believer in Jesus. I am definitely not a big football fan and neither is my husband.(And that's saying a lot living in SeaHawk territory LOL) But we both love it.
Anywho, there is a question the central character really grapples with during the film. It is "Will I Still Love God?" It centers around one conflict for him and his wife. They have tried unsuccessfully for 4 years to have a child. There is a particular scene where his wife has gone to the doctor for what has become a seemingly routine disappointment. She goes for a pregnancy test only to be told it is negative. She leaves the doctor office obviously upset. She pauses outside the vehicle she is driving and prays. She tearfully tells God, "I will still love You, Lord. If we never have children, I will still love You." As she is praying, a nurse comes joyfully running out to tell her that there a mix up with names on charts and that she is in fact pregnant.
This scene is always heart wrenching for me because I fear that someday I will face this myself. I am 34 and very recently married. My husband and I are nowhere near ready for children at this point in time. And being an older newlywed, I fear that by the time we are ready, it may be too late for us to have children. Or there may be a possibilty of infertility whether me or my husband. I cry not for the moving of emotions during this scene but for a deep rooted fear in my heart brought to the surface.
The overall theme of the movie is "With God, all things are possible." I take great comfort in that fact when this fear arises in my heart. It seems that the odds are stacked against us. There are more odds than I wish to share here as they are personal. But my GOD is so much BIGGER than my greatest fear. And He knows my needs before I ask. He also knows the desires of my heart for He put them there. I do pray someday to have children all the time.
I do however ask myself that question: If my greatest fear is realized, and we cannot have any children, Will I Still Love God? I pray in faith that if this is to be my trial, I can accept it without anger and glorify God in it. And Love HIM? OH YES!! Above all others!! Even in that possibility of a great heartbreak. It will be bitter waters for me. But MY LORD will make them sweet in the end!!
Anywho, there is a question the central character really grapples with during the film. It is "Will I Still Love God?" It centers around one conflict for him and his wife. They have tried unsuccessfully for 4 years to have a child. There is a particular scene where his wife has gone to the doctor for what has become a seemingly routine disappointment. She goes for a pregnancy test only to be told it is negative. She leaves the doctor office obviously upset. She pauses outside the vehicle she is driving and prays. She tearfully tells God, "I will still love You, Lord. If we never have children, I will still love You." As she is praying, a nurse comes joyfully running out to tell her that there a mix up with names on charts and that she is in fact pregnant.
This scene is always heart wrenching for me because I fear that someday I will face this myself. I am 34 and very recently married. My husband and I are nowhere near ready for children at this point in time. And being an older newlywed, I fear that by the time we are ready, it may be too late for us to have children. Or there may be a possibilty of infertility whether me or my husband. I cry not for the moving of emotions during this scene but for a deep rooted fear in my heart brought to the surface.
The overall theme of the movie is "With God, all things are possible." I take great comfort in that fact when this fear arises in my heart. It seems that the odds are stacked against us. There are more odds than I wish to share here as they are personal. But my GOD is so much BIGGER than my greatest fear. And He knows my needs before I ask. He also knows the desires of my heart for He put them there. I do pray someday to have children all the time.
I do however ask myself that question: If my greatest fear is realized, and we cannot have any children, Will I Still Love God? I pray in faith that if this is to be my trial, I can accept it without anger and glorify God in it. And Love HIM? OH YES!! Above all others!! Even in that possibility of a great heartbreak. It will be bitter waters for me. But MY LORD will make them sweet in the end!!
A Prayer
Lord, help me to be better than I am. Help me to walk in Your ways. Forgive my sins. I repent from them and I ask You to cleanse me thoroughly from all my unrighteousness. Please, increase in me that I would decrease. My heart and flesh always fail but You Lord, You are the Faithful One. I love You feebly at best and You love me supremely, steadily, and fiercely. Help me to be the best me in You I can be. In Jesus Name, and For His Sake, Amen.
Your Daughter,
Richelle
Your Daughter,
Richelle
My Loving Husband's Letter To Me
My darling husband Frankie wrote me this letter last Sunday morning very early. It came as an answer to my prayers.
My Dearest Rachelle,
As you sleep I am writing this letter to tell you that you are really very special to me. I have come to realize that you are indeed a special treasure, and that I should not take you for granted as I have in the past and for this reason I asked God to forgive the way that I have treated you and I ask you now to do the same. I also asked God to forgive me for the way that I have lived my life and I let Him know that from this moment on that I will be living my life in such a way that can and will only bring glory and honor to Him. I cannot live my life in fear any longer. I have to have faith and complete and total trust in Him for all things in my life. I lifted our business up to Him and asked for his blessing upon it. I want us both to prepare our fields for the rain that I know that He will provide. NO more sitting on the fence for me. I have chosen to become a powerful and dedicated man of God and I asked God to help me become that man.
I know that the path that I have chosen will be hard but I also know that with both God and you, my beautiful, sweet, and loving wife standing by my side to hold my hand through the tough times I will be able make it through anything that Satan puts before me and I also know that nothing is ever impossible for the powerful God that I now and forever will serve. I love you very much and I only pray that you will see the transformation that you have prayed so hard for to shine through and reveal itself to you. I promise to you now that I will be a better husband friend and life long partner to you. I love you sweetheart and I want to live my life glorifying God with you standing there holding my hand every step of the way.
Your Loving Husband In Christ,
Frankie
My Dearest Rachelle,
As you sleep I am writing this letter to tell you that you are really very special to me. I have come to realize that you are indeed a special treasure, and that I should not take you for granted as I have in the past and for this reason I asked God to forgive the way that I have treated you and I ask you now to do the same. I also asked God to forgive me for the way that I have lived my life and I let Him know that from this moment on that I will be living my life in such a way that can and will only bring glory and honor to Him. I cannot live my life in fear any longer. I have to have faith and complete and total trust in Him for all things in my life. I lifted our business up to Him and asked for his blessing upon it. I want us both to prepare our fields for the rain that I know that He will provide. NO more sitting on the fence for me. I have chosen to become a powerful and dedicated man of God and I asked God to help me become that man.
I know that the path that I have chosen will be hard but I also know that with both God and you, my beautiful, sweet, and loving wife standing by my side to hold my hand through the tough times I will be able make it through anything that Satan puts before me and I also know that nothing is ever impossible for the powerful God that I now and forever will serve. I love you very much and I only pray that you will see the transformation that you have prayed so hard for to shine through and reveal itself to you. I promise to you now that I will be a better husband friend and life long partner to you. I love you sweetheart and I want to live my life glorifying God with you standing there holding my hand every step of the way.
Your Loving Husband In Christ,
Frankie
Just A Hello...
While I am not new to blogging, I am new to blogging on here. I hope I can excercise my writing talents as I share my thoughts and musings about my life. I hope I can impart what little wisdom I have gained in my 34 years. Much of it has been hard won from many struggles I have had in my life. I hope to gain even just a small audience of this blog and share our thoughts together. A small audience of fellow Believers in Jesus would be grand.
As my Profile says, I am a christian woman. I am a newlywed. I was just married last December 14th. These past 8 months of marriage have certainly been an adventure.
If you happen by my little blog, feel free to say Hello. Until next time, God Bless You.
As my Profile says, I am a christian woman. I am a newlywed. I was just married last December 14th. These past 8 months of marriage have certainly been an adventure.
If you happen by my little blog, feel free to say Hello. Until next time, God Bless You.
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